Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
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I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
anyone else like Italian cereal