I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen