Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
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Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
me, after any kind of buffet.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.