My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Its a hippotatomus
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*