The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: “Hello, I’m here for my interview at IKEA.”
Interviewer: “Come on in! Make a seat!”
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.