Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
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I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?