Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
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Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Hey I worked for it too!
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there