My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Autocorrect completely socks
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?