[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
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4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.