The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
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They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
choose your fighter
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
the chicken was already gone when I got here
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
My beach vacation Google searches
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.