I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
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WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.