“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
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FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
My Plans 2020
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Animal poetry
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD