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If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Um … Hot Wings please
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.