Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
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Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
are there any atheist mantises?
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’