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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
I love snow
– People who never shovel
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.