If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
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This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are