[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
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Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.