ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
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Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
#oldknees
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying