*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
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Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.