My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
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people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.