just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
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Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet