I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
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Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
nyc:
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
How to wake up a Beagle
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.