[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
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No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
We found Max..
#MyFebruaryAccomplishment
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
*puts cutlery down*
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.