Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
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I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Okay, I’m still confused…
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.