Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
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If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.