“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
ME (calling my horse with no name):
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?