BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
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#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.