“Miss me yet?” – 2019
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)