I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
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THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.