no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly