*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
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“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
This is my favorite one of these!
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
Is….Is this an option?
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.