Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
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on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Autocarrot sucks!
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?