House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
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Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.