My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
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After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Breaking news:
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
broke down and did it
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”