My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
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If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT