Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
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No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
[at the general store]
me: one general please
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White