We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
You Might Also Like
[on my way back to the posting caves]
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I’m awake but I object,
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.