Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
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Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922