The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
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I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
What a chick magnet..
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
You are not alone 💚
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???