I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.