I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
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You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.