Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Still cracks me up
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.