[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
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“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
These work great until they don’t.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away
Husband: I said I would do it
Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY
Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.