North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
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Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars