This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
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An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
*pokes sex life with a stick