The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
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friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
🥶🥶🐶🐶
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit