How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work