i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Nose
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell