[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
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Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Nose
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.