They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
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My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Meow
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
me linking you to my twitter
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*